


What's the point of living?

by DBZVelena



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Depressing, Happy Ending, M/M, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, no deaths happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-01-24
Updated: 2003-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:00:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24320965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DBZVelena/pseuds/DBZVelena
Summary: Originally from 2003, reposted here from my ff.net account. A story that is sad and might be triggering to certain people. Only read if you think you can handle suicidal thoughts and a suicide attempt. It has a happy ending though.
Relationships: Duo Maxwell/Heero Yuy





	1. What's the point of living?

What's the point of living...  
I have asked my self that question a million times.  
  
First it was simply to survive.  
Then my best friend Solo died.  
  
Then it was to make sister Helen proud.  
Then sister Helen died.  
  
Then it was to prevent others to live like I had.  
Then I met you.  
  
You with your eyes as clear as the sky on a winters morning.  
You kept calling me Baka. I thought that was your pet name for me.  
Until I found out it meant Idiot.  
Still I persisted, being that Idiot that you loved. Or so I thought.  
I really am an Idiot.  
  
I loved and waited.  
You were my point of living then.  
You should have heard my heart sing when you asked for my help.  
My help to save her.  
  
Her. The one YOU love.  
  
And we did, didn't we.  
We were always such a great team.  
  
Then you disappeared again, like before.  
Again I waited, I loved.  
  
You returned... But not to me.  
You went to her. Proposed to her. Loved her.  
  
Not me.  
  
Its your wedding day today. I know, you sent an invitation.  
I sent a message back that I was to busy and could not make it.  
  
The first time I lied to you since we met.  
  
I'm in bed right now. I took some sleeping pills. Don't know how many though.  
I a bit drowsy now.  
You see I can to the conclusion that I don't have a point anymore.  
So why live if you don't have a reason for living?  
  
I know why didn't i just cut my wrist.  
Well, I've seen enough blood in my life time thank you very much.  
So I'm just going to sleep now, and not wake up.  
That doesn't make such a mess.  
  
You'll be getting this letter right about after ya honeymoon.  
I timed it so it wouldn't ruin it by coming early.  
Consider this my final goodbye.  
And you were right, I really am a baka.  
Or I'd not fallen in love with you.  
Tell the other I loved them, they were the best family a L2 street kid like me could wish for.  
And forget about me ok?  
After all I'm just a baka from L2 with to long hair and an attitude.  
  
Goodbye Heero, have a good life.  
  
Duo.


	2. Survival is not an option.

Here I am. Standing in my rented suit. Waiting for Relena to walk up the isle and the ceremony to begin.  
Then why do i feel like I'm betraying my self?  
Am I not doing everything right?  
Save the world, get the girl, marry her, live happily ever after.  
Isn't that how its supposed to be?  
Then why does this feel so empty.  
  
Quatre is sitting in the front row, sobbing his space-heart out, I bet.  
Trowa is standing next to me, he's the best man.  
Wufei is on duty as Preventer. And busy keeping away all the media.  
I swear this wedding has more camera's pointed at than the world peace conference.  
I look at Trowa, I know he doesn't approve. According to him I'm making the biggest mistake of my life.  
According to him I should act on my emotions like I once told him to.  
  
Aren't I doing just that, marrying Relena?  
Do I love Relena?  
I do I guess, or i would not have saved her.  
Am I In Love with Relena?  
...  
I don't know. Shouldn't I be? I love her don't I?  
But wouldn't this then be the happiest day of my life?  
Then why do i feel like its a funeral?  
  
I wish Duo was here. He'd take one look at me and tell me to lighten up.  
His smile would light up the whole building.  
He'd look in my eyes and know what I'm thinking.  
He knows me so well.  
He'd laugh at how i look in this suit. Flash his ass at the media camera's.  
Duo knows how to live.  
  
Duo IS life.  
  
So how come he couldn't come?  
Why isn't he here on the day that should be the happiest day of my life?  
His message said that he was to busy. But I doubt that.  
He's my best friend, he'd do anything for me.  
So why isn't he here?  
  
Why do I care?  
Why can't I stop thinking of him when I should be thinking of Relena.  
Why is it his smile that lights up my day and not Relena's.  
How come all Duo would have to do is look in my eyes to know what I'm thinking,  
wile Relena wouldn't even know what I'm thinking if I actually told her.  
How come i measure Relena against Duo and find her lacking.  
  
I guess I'm the baka this time.  
I turn to Trowa, and apparently he figured out that i get it now. For he hands me Duo's address.  
Thankfully its not to far away. If I take Trowa's bike I'll be there in 15-20 minutes.  
Trowa hands me the keys even before I ask. Guess Duo isn't the only one that knows how my mind works.  
One word is said before I run for the emergency exit. "Go!"  
I know he'll make my excuses, fixes things so its not to big a thing for Relena.  
She can keep the ring. It never mattered anyway. A souvenir from our engagement.  
  
I'm on the road now. And for some reason a line pops in my head.  
Survival is not an option.  
So true, and a life with Relena would only be that. Surviving.  
I'll take a leap of faith and go for living instead.  
  
With Duo.... If he'll have me.


	3. Live to Survive, Survive to live.

Heero arrived at Duo's apartment 15 minutes after he left the church in a hurry.  
First he had rang the bell, but after waiting a total of 2 minutes Heero decided to use the key he had.  
Duo had given it to him in case of emergency.  
The apartment was unusually clean and tidy for Duo. And it put Heero on alarm right away.  
  
Slow and silently Heero moved from room to room checking every where. But everywhere it was extremely tidy.  
As if somebody else lived there and not Duo.  
Heero moved to the bedroom. Only place he hadn't been in since Duo got the place.  
Slowly Heero pushed the door open, to find Duo curled up in bed. Asleep.  
  
Normally Heero wouldn't have been alarmed by a sleeping baka in the middle of the day.  
But some how all the lil things added up spelled trouble.  
Then Heero noticed the empty sleeping pill bottle.  
Duo hates pills, or any kind of meds if he doesn't absolutely needs them.  
So why would there be an empty bottle of sleeping pills on the nightstand.  
Unless Duo did something drastic.  
  
Heero moved to Duo's side and shook him roughly. No response.  
Checking his eyes, blood presure and breathing confirmed Heero's suspicions.  
No time for thinking about why Duo would do such a thing.  
Have to get him to the hospital ASAP.  
  
Heero lifted Duo out of the bed and ran from the room to the hall where the keys to Duo's car hung.  
A motorcycle wouldn't have been good for transporting Duo.  
Grabbing the keys from the cow shaped cookie jar, Heero ran to the car.  
All the while holding Duo's sleeping body tightly against his chest.  
The car started in one attempt, but then again it was owned by one of the worlds best mechanics'.  
Quickly Heero moved the car on to the road and towards the closest Hospital. A good 5 minutes away,  
if you didn't break every speed and traffic law that exists.  
  
After a rough ride over road, sidewalk, part of a park and up the steps of the hospital.  
Heero parked the car in the Hospital lobby.  
To say the nurse and people were surprised would be an understatement.  
Hurriedly Heero took careful hold of Duo again, who had been seated in the passenger  
seat tightly strapped in with the seatbelt.  
With big strong strides Heero walked up to the nurse and told her, in the tone a General uses to command his troops,  
to fetch him a doctor ASAP that could save Duo's life.  
  
In 2 minutes the nurse had found a doctor that had time.  
Quickly, Wile Duo was transferred to a hospital bed, Heero relayed his findings.  
The doctor checked Duo's vital signs wile listening to Heero.  
When Heero had finished his report the doctor ordered a stomage-pump to be prepared for emergency operation.  
Duo then was rushed in to the O.R.  
Heero watched as the doctors took Duo out of his sight.  
  
The next hour was spent waiting outside the O.R. Heero hadn't had any money on him to use the paid phones,  
to call his friends. So all Heero had was to wait and think.  
Why had Duo not told him he was depressed. Why hadn't Heero noticed anything?  
But Heero knew why. After the Mariemaya thing, Heero hadn't really seen a lot of Duo.  
First because he'd been in the hospital, then because he needed his head reprogrammed to make it suited for peace.  
When he had returned everybody had expected him to propose to Relena. So he had.  
Save the world, get the girl, marry the girl, live happily ever after.  
But then again, Duo was kind of like a girl with that long braid of his.  
Heero smiled at that. He knew how pissed Duo would have been if he knew Heero was calling him a girl.  
  
The doctor that had taken Duo from Heero's sight walked up to Heero.  
"Mr. Yuy. Your friend Mr. Maxwell will survive. You had him here right on time.  
Any later and he would have slipped in to a coma and died.  
He'll wake in about a half-hour. Feeling worse than his worst hangover, or so I'm told.  
  
Heero finally relaxed, then realized that he'd been on edge since he found Duo.  
Heero stepped up to the window and looked outside.  
Thinking of all the possible reasons that Duo might have had to kill him self.  
It was Ironic really. His own attempt at killing him self had resulted in Duo breaking him out of a Alliance medical base.  
Now here was Duo, doing the exact same thing. And now it was Heero who came to the rescue.  
That thought prompted Heero to think of all the time they had spent together during the war.  
Then suddenly a nurse came up to him. Telling him he could visit Duo now.  
When had Heero lost sight of time? He didn't know.  
  
Duo was laying in the bed turned away from Heero. But from his movements it was very obvious that he was awake.  
And at that moment seeing his Duo alive and well made all the possible reasons for Duo's attempt unimportant.  
The important thing was that Duo was alive and that they'd work it out somehow. How would be determined later.  
  
"I guess once again Death denied me passage to the other side. He takes all around me, but not me.  
I guess I'm doomed to live forever or die of old age. Still there are worst fates, don't you think Heero?"  
  
Heero wasn't surprised that Duo knew it was him without turning around. He had that same instinct.  
He could always tell if Duo was near or not.  
  
"Baka."  
  
Heero didn't know why he said that. He figured it was a force of habit to call Duo baka when ever one  
of his stunts went wrong. Not that it happened a lot.  
Maybe over the years the word had gotten a double meaning. Kind of "You idiot, but i still love you."  
Still?  
Heero sighed, he shouldn't be surprised about it. Most likely he had loved Duo from the moment he'd seen him,  
but just not realized with all the "perfect soldier" getting in the way.  
  
"Yea, your right. I am a baka. Can't even get a decent suicide right. But why aren't you at your wedding Heero.  
You should have already been on your way to your honeymoon."  
  
Did he hear that right? It sounded like Duo was depressed over the wedding. Could it be that Duo loved him back?  
Was that why Duo had tried to kill him self? Only one way to find out.  
  
"If you tell me why you tried to kill your self, I'll tell you why I'm not with Relena. Deal?"  
  
Duo seemed to think it over. But Heero could not tell much since Duo was still facing away from him.  
Then he turned to Heero and looked right in to his eyes and soul.  
  
"Alright, you asked for it. I did it because of you! Because I could not bare the thought of you being with somebody else.  
Loving somebody else. When there is nothing in this world I want more than for us to be together.  
It hurt so much, knowing that you love her and not me, that i couldn't take it any longer."  
  
Fierce violet eyes stare in to Heero's eyes.  
Slowly as if drawn by a magnet Heero moved towards Duo.  
  
"Well? Aren't you going to tell me? Or should I guess."  
  
Heero shook his head to clear it.  
  
"Duo I'm not with Relena because I didn't marry her. I figured out that I didn't love her the way I'm supposed  
to if I'd marry her. I love her like a big brother loves his sister nuthing more.  
Your the one I'm IN Love with.  
I'm sorry that it took me so long to figure it out but emotions aren't really my strong point."  
  
Duo glared at Heero. Tears running down his cheeks.  
  
"Damnit Heero. I don't want a pity fuck. I don't want your pity period."  
  
Duo the turned away from Heero again. Shoulders shaking with Duo's silent sobs.  
Heero sat down on the bed next to Duo. Slowly Heero turned Duo's face back towards him.  
  
"Duo, I'd never pity you. I love you. I need you in my life."  
  
Every time Heero said it, he could feel it grow in side him.  
  
Staring deep in to Duo's eyes. Still firm hold on Duo's jaw to prevent him from moving away. Heero sighed.  
  
"I love you, you silly baka. I always have. It just took me a while to figure it out."  
  
And then Heero closed the small distance between their lips for a long passionate kiss.  
When they finally came up for air Duo smiled and the whole room lighted up.  
  
"All this time I lived to survive, but I guess I had to Survive to Learn to live."  
  
An hour later the on duty nurse got the shock of her life. In the bed of Mr. Maxwell was another man.  
A very naked man. And he was curled around a very naked Mr. Maxwell,  
neither noticed the nurse as they snuggled in post orgasmic bliss. Or maybe they did, but didn't care.  
Another month later there was another wedding. This time no media coverage. Only 5 young men  
and an official to perform the ceremony.  
It was perfect.  
  
And they lived happily ever after.  
  
Owari


End file.
